THE DARK WORLD OF ELIJAH WIPPLEBUCKET.

Elijah was every ones favorite Son, he may well have worn N.H.S jam jar bottom bins and had more zits than a glass blowers ass, but the long and short of it was that all loved him. Hang on, I can feel a home made deep fill mince pie coming on, and a brew of course. Baked them Yesterday. It’s no good, must get one, even if it does mean resisting a quick glimpse of Uranus.

Operation DFMP (dying for a mince pie) complete, that’s 3 more that won’t see December, over worked the pastry a tad, have to try and get it a bit shorter next time. Right, back to Elijah.

Elijah’s existence was governed by the almighty powers of a B&Q dimmer switch, turn clock wise for full illumination and Pansy smelling, turn anti clock wise to be transported into a shadowy world of primeval debauchery. yes, long matted hair, rotten teeth and a bell end that smells like a Dunkirk cheese shop.

Elijah was in the kitchen soaking rose petals and listening to classic FM when he was distracted by a knock on the door, it was Mrs Snapperorgan delivering the latest edition of All thing bright and beautiful.img_0123

Ahhhhhh, Mrs Snapperorgan, what a pleasant surprise, do come in. Won’t be long, just a few more petals, I’am infusing this fresh mineral water with these wose petals for my deluxe mince pies, should sell well at the Chwistmas fete.

Good show Elijah, about time that Mrs Primbuttocks had some serious competition. I say, it’s a bit bright in here, mind if I dim the light a little, plays havoc with my peepers.

Without waiting for a reply Mrs Snapperorgan foolishly dimmed the light.

Well done bitch, grimaced Elijah as he ripped the last petal from the wose. Prepare for a good scuttling.

Bis Gleich.

Centre of the rear aperture.

A life time of looking through the centre of the rear aperture is demanding and hard work, occasionally it’s good to raise ones cheek from the butt to clear the eye, let it water a little, from there it’s all automatic, the eye lid does the rest.

During this brief intermission the big picture will become clear and the Ghost’s of a Thousand images will flood the now receptive mind, clear the eye steady the breathing and then return to the rear aperture, refreshed.

But be warned, there is a down side to this and a price to pay. The down side is Mental Lethargy, the price, well, insanity springs to mind.

Do not try to artificially induce this heightened  state of perceptiveness or you could end up shooting the Post’y, or worse still, you could find yourself wandering and crashing through the dense reed beds of life tormented by the incessant chatter of Redgy the Sedge’y.

Worse case scenario, you could end up behind the screen of a lap top, writing piffle, with your mind totally swamped and full of thoughts of Indian river frogs with lollypop sticks tied to their legs.

To cut a long story short, you need two things, a long story and a pair of scissors.img_0035So, to summarize, there is more than one way to skuttle a Ferret ( keep a sharp look out for my new book, a guide to hallucagenic Fungi and Ferretting.)

Coffee time.

Bis Gleich.

URANUS! No not yours.

cropped-dscn06052.jpg0400Hrs sat out on the bench, wicked, Uranus was not to be seen, but I know as soon as conditions are right Uranus will be on view.

The Hunter slipped away to the west followed by his dog that twinkled all the colours of the Bow, his stella nursery a luminous green. Leo, the mighty Lion, sprawled across the Southern sky as if guarding the heavens, Jupiter danced with the laid back waining Moon and Virgo the Lady In chains observed the togetherness of the brief partnership.

I relaxed back onto the cool timber of the bench and exhaled, using the old three star method I ascertained the time was approx. 0500hrs, not wanting to blow my own trumpet and all that but I was spot on.

Just enough time for another 2 Crunchies then the Day’s chores begin.

Bis Gleich.

De-skrim.

Friday night, gateway and window to the weekend, Happy Hour went well with Little Bro, copious amounts of 1664 and music loud enough to make your ears bleed and to liquefy your bone marrow. Loved it.

Prepare to move! It is now Saturday and Zero hour approaches, Bro’s head Chef today and he’s going to make his signature dish for us…………THE NINE STRANDER. A bacon bomb the size of a Rugby ball.

Once more joviality and a cornucopia of 1664 will be the order of the day.

ASK THE BUGS.

Yesterday as I pedalled the 10 mile along a golden corridor of fallen leaves to get my hair cut, my mind was filled with thoughts of festive fodder.

I thought I’d open up a forum and help out with any problems to make sure the big bodge goes well.

Past experiences in the Christmas kitchen have put me in the position to help out, but it does rely heavily on you lot keeping it sensible. So no talk of Yaks legs or other weird roasts.

Hang on I’ve got a caller on line one, it’s Mrs Bigbuttocks from Bigleswade.

Sorry about that folks, but she was desperate for ideas on what to do with a Cucumber.

Well that’s that sorted, mind you, I wouldn’t want that in my Tzatziki when she’s finished with it.

BIS GLEICH.

Never lose the Elephant.

If you want to watch Pixies crapping on your lawn never lose the Elephant, the Elephant of surprise. History tells us that without a shadow of Trout this is one of the most crucial aspects in gaining World domination.

A few days ago America lost the Elephant and now it’s up to DT and his Storm Trumpers to stop Pixies, black or white, slanty eye’s or the furry hat variety from crapping on the lawn of Democracy.

What ever you get up to today, don’t be tempted to put a Poodle on your head and think you can get away with anything. Take care.

BIS GLEICH.

BUGS AND THE CHRISTMAS PIXIE.

Bugs sighed as he looked out onto the rain drenched orchard. The trees bare branches still bore the last of the Autumn fruit. “Will this rain never stop” he said to Kippy.

A startled Black Bird flew from the hedge instantly attracting Bugsy’s attention. What he saw made his jaw drop in disbelief.

Working it’s way along the hedge row was a 9 inch tall Christmas Pixie. “Well I’ll be” announced the gob smacked Bugs.

Grabbing his coat he legged it outside but on getting to the orchard the Pixie had gone, vanished. Damn and blast thought Bugs still puffing and panting from the burst of energy.

Then…….20yds along the hedge Bugs noticed a faint golden glow, stealthily he ghost walked to the spot, nervously he bent forward and slowly parted the grass.

With each move of the grass the glow intensified, Bugs held his breath, the last few blades and WHOOSHCHA!!!! There it was.

Obviously it was annoyed and perturbed by the disturbance, the words it spoke had venom and a sharp tone.

“DOYOU MIND! I’AM HAVING A CRAP!img_0123

Kippyyyyyyyyyyy.

img_0662Next on the horizon, Chrimbo! Can’t wait. All done, the 7 p’s applied, now it’s just a waiting game, I have but one concern, the holly berries out by the pond, as yet the birds havn’t touched them. Of course, they get first pickings, their need is greater than mine and it is their pantry.

My prezzy is already in the cottage, I know because Jack’s having trouble hiding it. It’s what I’ve always wanted, a African square lipped rhinoceros.

Must go, the Gaffers just got up, time to put the kettle on.

Bis Gleich.

Saturday! Saturday! For those about to Bock.

Sat here peering over the laptop screen at the grey dank sky and the immaculate lawns and garden. Yesterday, yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, mind started drifting a bit there, I spent 3 hours in glorious currant mulching leaves and generally faffing about prepping the gaff for Winter. Loved it I did, hang on, I can feel a bit of Benny off Crossroads coming on, quick, where’s my bobbler.

Clement has just walked across the path, he’s one of my several Waggy Hens. Back to the task in hand, concentrate, oh look, there’s Danny Dunnock. Tonight a’r Jacks off out with her good friend Sarah, that means I can enjoy a lads night in with my young Bro, see if I can drink him under the table.

We shall start the evening off with a light hearted chat about things in general then pause for our Home made Beef Madras and Bombay potatoe accompaniment. Once our hungers have been satisfied we shall continue the sesh, no doubt turning the music up to full bollock.

It seems strange having nowt to do in the garden, let every one settle in for the Winter, I’ve got to keep off this coputer as well, all this button bodging is distracting me from the more important aspects of life, such as perfecting my Tommy Cooper impression.

Whatever you get up to this Weekend, enjoy it and keep well. Christ man, I nearly put Nanoo Nanoo, Bis Gleich.

Winter, light or dark.

The clock and the calendar become irrelevant to me, I seek only quality of the moment. Not always easy but well worth working on, like now for instance, it may be hours ridiculous for some but for me it’s quality time, no distractions, well, apart from the Kipster wanting to go out for a waz.

Outside the cold of November, inside Ladybirch the fire glows and the white sage smoulders, scenting the air with it’s heady fragrance, the silence of the wee hours pierced occasionally by a screaching Twany, rain from the last shower drips rhythmically from the thatch, the laptop purrs like a contented cat, the clock on the mantle piece tics and tocks, reminding me that time waits for no man. Orchestra of the night.

I’am not alone here, never alone, things move around me making their presence felt with subtle signs, the cold chills and goose bumps mix with the tingling sensation, is it, was it, will it.

My eye’s are getting heavy, time for a nice brew of cha, enjoy your quality of time, bis gleich.

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